Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Real America

Aside from calling Barack Obama a socialist, there has been another disturbing talking point coming out of the McCain campaign this week, this notion that there are parts of the country that are "Real America," I suppose implying that other parts are "Fake America." I noted Sarah Palin and Michele Bachman's Neo-McCarthyism over the weekend, but it didn't stop with these two; North Carolina congressman Robin Hayes threw out this gem that was reported in the New York Observer:

First, Representative Patrick McHenry cheered what he called the “biggest crowd John McCain has gotten in North Carolina” and emphasized that this was a critical election with a stark choice between the candidates.

“It’s like black and white,” someone in the crowd at the Cabarrus Arena & Events Center yelled out, laughing. McHenry let the remark pass and finished his speech. He yielded the microphone to Representative Robin Hayes, who prefaced his comments by saying it was important to “make sure we don’t say something stupid, make sure we don’t say something we don’t mean.” Republicans, he reminded the crowd, were kind people. Plus, he added, the liberal media had shown itself eager to distort such remarks. With the crowd duly chastened and put on best behavior, he accused Obama of “inciting class warfare” and said that “liberals hate real Americans that work and achieve and believe in God.”

Wow... "hey let's not saying anything stupid, but you know those fucking liberals hate real Americans and people that believe in God." Yeah, no class warfare there at all.

If this is going to be the main point that the Republicans drive home in the last two weeks of the election, I have a much better idea for them. John McCain, your poll numbers are slipping even further, your support is waning, your message isn't resonating, maybe it's just time to give up on some of America, instead of trying to become president of the whole country, John, you could just be president of Real America!

Think about it, your supporters don't want to live in a country with people like me, it's just a recipe for disaster. I honestly have no problem giving you Real America, you're all clearly better people than I could ever be, so I should have to stay behind here in Fake America. Here's my plan for your new country:

President - John Sidney McCain
Vice President - Sarah Louise Heath Palin
Speaker of the House - Joe the Plumber
Chief Justice - The Honorable Toby Keith
Motto - Jesus is American!
National Anthem - "God Bless the USA" - Lee Greenwood
Capital - Wasilla, Alaska
Largest City - Houston, Texas
Official Language - American (Color isn't spelled "colour" you silly Europeans!)
Currency - $1 bill - Ronald Reagan, $5 bill - A Fetus, $10 bill - An Oil Rig, $20 bill - Dale Earnhardt, $100 bill - Jesus!
States - Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, Tennessee, Kentucky, Indiana, South Carolina, Louisiana, Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Nebraska, Wyoming, Idaho, Utah, Arizona, Montana, West Virginia, North Dakota, South Dakota, Alaska, Florida, Nevada (except Las Vegas), Northern Wisconsin and "Real Virginia"

Isn't that awesome, John? You get all of Real America to yourself! As Governor Palin said, this is where you find "goodness and courage," and it's the "hard-working, very patriotic, very pro-America areas of this great nation." You don't really want to be president of places like New York, California, and New England, do you? Of course not, and neither do your supporters, they deserve something better than that since they are the Real Americans after all.

Us here in Fake America will just have to get by on things like the entire entertainment industry, the media, Ivy League schools, and advanced science. Yeah, don't want to stain your reputation with those God-hating scientists and their medicine, but you guys have the power of prayer, so I'm sure you don't need anybody for cancer treatment, heart disease or anything else that may afflict us atheist, America-hating liberals.

Well, good luck to you Real Americans, although I'm sure you won't need it since we all know Jesus is a Republican. He did preach the virtues of wealth, greed, ignorance and bigotry, so having him on your side must be a huge bonus. Oh, I almost forgot, I made a flag for your new country, hope you like it!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Today's blog is particularly "lol."