Sunday, March 22, 2009

Tea Time

Does anyone else find it a little funny that the Republicans - the party of guns, NASCAR dads, war, and opposing homosexuality - are running around having tea parties? I don't even think five year old girls play tea party anymore.

Insults aside, let's talk about the new fad amongst our Neocon friends, the modern-age Boston Tea Party. Nevermind the complete ignorance to history here (Bob Cesca pointed that out in a hilarious editorial), the Republicans have once again piled into their manufactured outrage clown car and are ready to protest like liberal hippies! What are they protesting, the pointless war? Infringments on our civil liberties? Oh right, these are Neocons we're talking about... money, massive government spending to be precise. Where were these guys over the last eight years when Bush put two wars on a Chinese Mastercard?

War in Iraq: $3 trillion and counting
Money borrowed by Bush: $1.05 trillion (more than all previous presidents combined)
Neocon hypocrisy: Priceless

Now I can understand people might be a little worried about Obama's spending plans considering the state of our economy, but where were all you protesters when we were getting into this mess? It's like getting pissed at your mechanic for telling you it's going to cost $2,000 to fix the Porsche that you drove into the ditch because you were on a meth binge. Yeah, America is in trouble, but the only way to fix it is to stimulate the economy that your party broke. Pumping money into the economy (our economy, not Iraq's) means people are buying goods and services; if people are buying goods and services, then businesses will thrive; if business thrives, that creates jobs; job creation means more people with money to spend on goods and services; rinse and repeat.

Unless of course, all these teabaggers are staunch Libertarians opposed to any and all government spending. Well, put down the Obi Ron Paulnobi action figure, crack open a history book and read about what happened when Herbert Hoover froze government spending during a recession, it gave us one of the pieces to the puzzle known as The Great Depression. Seriously, after eight years of giving Bush a free pass, you're going to oppose government spending in a time when it makes sense because the guy in charge has a "D" next to his name?

Along with "spending," beware of other buzzwords that you may hear at a tea party:

-Taxes: Under Obama's plan, taxes will revert back to Clinton-era levels. I know we had major concerns back then like blowjobs and Elian Gonzalez, but the taxes were only about 3% higher for the wealthy than they are now. Speaking of the rich...

-Wealth Redistribution: This could also include "Obama punishes success!" Yeah, it's true, Obama will raise taxes on the wealthy... yet the wealthy will still pay less in taxes than they did under that socialist icon, Ronald Reagan.

-Pork: Often heard along with "earmarks" and "porkulus" (a Neocon attempt at humor to mock the stimulus bill). Nevermind the fact that earmarks account for less than 2% of the stimulus package, but not all earmarks are bad, its federal money requested by a congressmen for a specific project. Sometimes it's a ludicrous request (John McCain used all kinds of examples during the campaign), but often it's for things like roads and bridge repairs. Ask the good people of St. Paul if getting money to repair the I35 bridge would be considered "pork."

-Socialism: Just smile and nod at anyone who says this as they obviously have no idea what the word means.

So next time turn on your TV and see the liberal media covering a Neocon tea party, feel free to run on down and offer to trade a protester's "USSA" sign for a mirror.