Here America, have a trophy!

You're on the internet, surely you've gotten an email forward, or saw someone post on Facebook, some forward that talks about how America needs to get "tough." Whether it's complaining about welfare, taxes, or kids, there's no shortage of this stuff making the rounds online. One in particular sticks out to me, I even saw it posted on the wall of a sandwich shop when I was eating lunch last week. I'm not going to post the full thing, because it's preachy nonsense that makes me wretch, but you've probably seen it, it's usually falsely attributed to Bill Gates and is usually titled as "Rules Kids Won't Learn in School." It's actually from a book written in 1996 by a guy named Charles Sykes, but it's all about how "kids today" suck because they have healthy self-esteem.

Now I'm not going to rant in defense of the precious little snowflakes, I just bring it up so you know what I'm talking about. You've seen the forwards: "life isn't fair, get used to it," "I can't believe kids get trophies for everything nowadays," "life doesn't have summer break," blah blah blah. And of course, this shit gets passed around like the plague, usually it comes to your inbox as "Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: AMEN!!!!!!!1"

Yeah! Kids have it too easy, they need to learn life isn't fair! Games have winners and losers and only winners get trophies! Time to get tough, America.

Except it's not. People love to cheerlead this kind of stuff, but the minute you try to talk tough to an American adult, you get run out of town. Jimmy Carter told us to put on a sweater, don't be wasteful and don't be driven by consumerism. Of course, America responded to this by electing Mr. Sunny, Ronald Reagan... who drove the country further into the ditch and created the blueprint for the modern day Republican party... who drove the country off a cliff. How dare anyone in power tell us to be responsible and act like an adult? Screw you, I'm buying a Hummer!

Barack Obama came under similar criticism for his views on American exceptionalism. When asked, he replied, "I believe in American exceptionalism, just as I suspect that the Brits believe in British exceptionalism, and the Greeks believe in Greek exceptionalism." A perfectly reasonable, logical and mature explanation, of course idiots like Newt Gingrich took this as the opportunity to label Obama a "Kenyan, socialist, anti-colonial, secularist, (insert buzzword here)," etc. He might even be an Orc too, Newt's not sure. But that's the attitude of the right, if you don't believe America is the greatest country on the planet, if you don't believe that God himself drew lines on a map, pointed to America and said "that one's my favorite," then you're a dirty pinko socialist Nazi.

But yes, children who get trophies just for playing, that's the problem. In reality, the trophy thing isn't that big of a deal, because if they stick with the sport (or any other activity), many of them will soon be forced to sacrifice their childhoods in favor of meaningless structure and pressuring parents who want to make up for their own failures vicariously through the scholastic and athletic achievements of their children.

But that's another rant for another day. Point is, kids will soon learn the harsh realities of winning and losing through a variety of channels, but Americans in general who need a never-ending stream of smoke blown up their ass from their elected leaders? We're the people who need a trophy for everything. We rank 36th in the world in life expectancy (below Costa Rica and Cuba, slightly above Kuwait), we rank 37th in overall health care coverage, we rank 21st in literacy rates, 34th in math and science education, 33rd in infant mortality, and the middle class has evaporated... but hey, WE'RE #1!

If an American politician, someone with the ability to actually improve these statistics, pointed out those facts, they wouldn't even be elected Mayor of Wasilla. "How dare you?! America is the greatest country in the world!" usually said by someone who's never even left the county, let alone the country. "Love it or leave it, man!" usually said by someone with no counterpoint.

American exceptionalism of the Newt Gingrich variety is what got us into this mess. We were too arrogant, too naive and too distracted to notice the country crumbling all around us. It's the point people try to make with the non-issue of kids getting participation trophies, that it'll give them over-inflated self-esteem and they'll be in for a real shock when it's time to enter the real world and everything isn't handed to them. Well America, it's time to enter the real world.

The crazies are getting restless

Usually it's just fun to laugh at wingnuts; they're generally harmless, spewing shit so idiotic that no one in their right mind would ever pay attention to them. Whether it's Obama's birth certificate, his choice in mustard, gay marriage leading to the downfall of civilization, or they're named Glenn Beck... they're usually just silly old crazy people, like the kind you'd find pushing around a shopping cart, but not in a grocery store. Unfortunately, the ultra right-wing is growing increasingly frustrated as they become increasingly irrelevant and as a result, they're becoming more dangerous.

All this psychotic rage seemed to begin around the end of the presidential campaign when the McCain/Palin events became glorified hate rallies. We all remember McCain reining in the crazy old woman who called Obama an "Arab," but Governor Avon Lady didn't stop fanning the flames of wingnuttery when she started insinuating that her opponent was a "terrorist." With policemen (in uniform) and various religious leaders to help spread the smears as well, they set the table for the crazies to come feast.

Aligning with psychopaths is a lot like opening Pandora's Box, there is no going back, the toothpaste is out of the tube, insert other cliché here. Obama won the election, but the Republicans had all these new found loonies shuffling around aimlessly like the mindless zombies they are, so they all got together and had themselves a little Tea Party. The tea parties were hijacked from the Libertarian movement and turned into campaign events, funded by neocons like Newt Gingrich and Dick Armey. The teabagging did nothing except show how hypocritical and out of touch the Republican Party was with America; they were essentially complaining that they had to pay for the tow truck after a night of drunk driving resulting in wrapping their Mercedes around a telephone pole. But that didn't stop the crazies from showing up, oh no... the teabaggers weren't just coming to talk about taxes, they had plenty of wingnutty goodness to go around.

But then it got scary, unlike when McCain reined in the racists at those campaign rallies, the Republicans embraced the tea parties and we got a glance at just how fucking insane this party has become. Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann wanted her contstituents "armed and dangerous," Texas Governor Rick Perry talked about seceding from the union and Republican strategist (and complete scumbag) Dick Morris, took a page out of G. Gordon Liddy's handbook and said, “Those crazies in Montana who say, ‘we’re going to kill ATF agents because the UN’s going to take over’ - well, they’re beginning to have a case.”

All this crazy boiled over earlier this week when Dr. George Tiller, a doctor who helped women and their families through an agonizing decision, was assassinated by a right-wing extremist. And then, several sick and demented psychopaths celebrated. I'm not going to get into the abortion debate here - if you agree with a woman's right to choose then I'd just be preaching to the choir; if you disagree, neither of us will convince the other otherwise - but if you think Dr. Tiller was performing these late-term abortions just because the mother "changed her mind," then you're a fucking moron. Pro-"life," but only if it's unborn... grown adults are apparently fair game, and killing them in church is a-okay too. Crazy and hypocritical... a dangerous combination.

But it doesn't stop there... in the last two days, a man is roaming around somewhere in the country, armed to the teeth and carrying a small fortune, plotting to assassinate the President of the United States. Today, a different man was arraigned in New York after plotting to "blow up" President Obama and Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor. Mix this in with all these random shooting sprees that have been popping up all over the place and one might think this country has officially lost its goddamn mind.

A lot of people have placed part of the blame on Fox News, especially Bill O'Reilly, for the assassination of Dr. Tiller. As much as I'd like to blame them specifically, it goes much deeper than that. This culture of fear and paranoia has been growing since 9/11, partially because the Republicans have exploited it for political gain, partially because we still have a lot of racists and bigots living in this country and partially because we'll always have people who are just plain bonkers. That Homeland Security report about right-wing extremists (the one the Republicans went nuts over even though it was authorized by the Bush Administration) was spot-on, and I worry that this problem is only going to get worse before it gets better.

Extreme Makeover: GOP Edition

The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem and I have to hand it to the Republicans for actually making it that far. With more people believing in ghosts than identifying themselves as a Republican, the party knows they've got some serious work to do if they're ever going to win another election and thankfully, they've decided it's time for a re-branding effort. When I heard about this, I thought it was great news, the party realizes they're at risk of becoming a fringe, opposition party, it's time to get some fresh faces out there to revitalize the party!

And then of course, they showed who the fresh faces are: Newt Gingrich, John McCain, Jeb Bush, Eric Cantor, Mitt Romney, Bobby Jindal, Sarah Palin and Haley Barbour. There's only one clichéd internet meme that can properly sum this up:


And to make matters worse, they're calling this the National Council for a New America. Wait a minute, "New" America? What's wrong with the old America? Well, they did break it, but still... why do they hate America so much that they need a new one? I guess after that whole Real America thing didn't work out, they just feel they need to start all over.

In all seriousness, these are the people you thought would reconnect the Republican Party with the average voter? Really? I'm pretty sure when you're trying fix a failed brand, you don't go with the people who messed it up in the first place. If a plumber makes your leaky pipes worse, you probably shouldn't trust him to do something about your flooded basement. Let's take a look at our future New American leaders:

Newt Gingrich - Newty is pretty much the poster boy for what screwed up America, the prelude to Bush Era neoconservatism which reignited the culture wars. God & guns, fear & smear, etc. As noted earlier this month, Gingrich (an admitted adulterer) reemerged as a national figure to call Barack Obama "anti-religious." When I think of who would make a great leader for this new and refreshed Republican Party, I can't think of a better candidate than the ultra-polarizing, 65-year-old ex-Speaker of the House who's been in politics since 1974.

John McCain - Excellent strategy Republicans, when looking for someone to revitalize your party after a crushing defeat in an election just six months ago, go for the guy that lost the presidency. I'm sure no one will remember the vile, disgusting campaign where he and his constituents essentially called our current president an anti-American terrorist who will kill your baby. No, he's definitely the key to winning over hearts and minds.

Eric Cantor - Hey, we finally found someone under the age of 65, so that's a start. Unfortunately, that's also the end. Cantor's pretty much like a male version of Sarah Palin - empty suit, emptier head. I suppose we could call him John Boehner in training. Here's Cantor really hyping up the whole re-branding process.

Haley Barbour - The governor of Mississippi. Good thing the GOP has him to rebrand their party, because I bet Mississippi would've been up for grabs in the next presidential election! I know the Republicans have been having some trouble with such a progressive, liberal state like MS, so I'm sure a southern, career politician over the age of 60 will give them a huge helping hand.

Bobby Jindal - Oh Bobby, you're a never-ending source of entertainment. I can understand why the Republicans are pushing Jindal, they want to show that they also have a young, charismatic non-white guy... or they're just big fans of 30 Rock, but "the Republican Obama," this guy is not. In reality, Jindal is just another neocon, he supports a constitutional ban on flag burning and he believes that he actually performed an exorcism (and no, I will never get tired of that story). Although I wonder if the Republican base will constantly refer to Bobby by his real name "Piyush" and demand to see his birth certificate, much like they do with "Hussein Obama."

Sarah Palin - The biggest embarrassment in American political history and the Republicans want to trot her around again? I know I've been sarastically joking throughout this list, but for Sarah, I need to just come right out and say it to the GOP - you're supposed to be re-branding, you morons! You don't revitalize your party by bringing out Governor Avon Lady! Look, I know she's Neocon stroke material and she likes to shoot things, but she is possibly the most disgusting politician in America today and I will never apologize for saying that. Sarah Palin epitomizes exactly what's wrong with today's Republican Party and if they're using her to reconnect with voters, they'll be in the history books right next to the Whig Party very soon.

Jeb Bush - But as bad of a choice as Sarah Palin is to fix your tainted image, at least her name isn't Bush! Really Republicans, REALLY?! You're going to try to go to this well for a third time? You're going to try to use Jeb Bush as a figurehead of the new GOP while his brother just finished up the worst... presidency... ever? Dubya's been out of office for 101 days and his approval ratings are still dropping and you're going to enlist his brother?! I believe that is the very definition of "balls." Or "completely detached from reality," I'm not sure which. Considering how popular Meghan McCain is, I think you'd have better luck using Jenna Bush instead.

There you go folks, this is what the Republican Party came up with - old white men, career politicians, empty suits, relatives of the worst president in history, people who believe in exorcisms and the hockey mom pitbull with lipstick. This is literally the best they can do, go even further to the right and say "good riddance" to folks like Arlen Specter. They believe losing moderates will "purify" their party as they set up shop in the idealogical fringe section of America. The party of Lincoln is long gone, hell, this isn't even the party of Reagan anymore, this is the party of wingnuts.